he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Randomize
