you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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