Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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