She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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