Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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