I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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