I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
