he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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