Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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