I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Randomize
