Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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