I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
