meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
