She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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