Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I have tasted many bathrooms
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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