And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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