My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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