I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
