No awkward lesbian experiences without me
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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