When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
