I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
