dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
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