It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
My vagina is very pro this idea
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
