Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
If I die, sorry about rent.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
