"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
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