I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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