I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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