and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Randomize
