how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Randomize
