Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
