he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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