I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
