My nipple is on Facebook.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
