the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
you guys were way drunker than both of me
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
