yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
It's Friday. Sex?
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
