my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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