Soap is not a condiment
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
