why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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