pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
