I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
