What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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