I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
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