I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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