you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Randomize
