i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
