i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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