I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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