Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
