its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Randomize
