dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
