I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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