I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
