I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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