That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
