Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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