The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
The air taste purple.
Randomize
