Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
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