I accidentally burped into my bong.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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