highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
