My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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