so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
